thanks to the lovely and amazing Sylvia (rainbox , I've started over in a new journal, tightropes. Add me and if you're already on my friendslist, you will automatically be added back, with a few expections. No threatening and no hard feelings. Love you guys. xo.

I want (need) to start over. Does anyone have a stray LJ code they could spare?

xo.

you know, every single day I think of selling all my shit, getting into my car, and just driving somewhere. The actually destination varies from day to day, but it's always the same itch. I eye anything I have of value and wonder what I could get for it- the computer, the dvd player, the television, my records, the gamecube. I even think of selling the car and just buying bus tickets. But every day I end up blow drying my hair, putting on my naught secretary clothes and going to work anyway.

Chicopee is a black fucking hole. I can't even hardly remember the happy, enthusiastic person I was those years I was in Rochester. I miss it every day.

boys who chew their fingernails are my favorite types of boys.

no matters whats happening, listening to radiohead still has the ability to purge and renew me.

"Niagara Falls is possibly the wettest coldest place on the planet right in that moment. The sky is heavy and gray and thick, and I wrapped my Kmart scarf around my head like an old lady would; trying to trap heat. The four of us just stand there, staring at the water in the silence, not sure what to say. Finally Dan cracks some cynical joke about the Falls in Superman movies ruining the real experience for him. Inside I want himt o shut up, but it's not out of anger. I want to cover his mouth with my hands and force him to listen or to see or feel it, to just slow down for one goddamned second and feel humble. I'm in love with the Falls, the way it never stops. It's loud and formidable and constant, all qualities I value. A group of Japanese tourists beside us take turns taking photos of each other in front of the Falls holding their hands out flat so that when the picture are developed it will look like each of them holds it in their palms. "Maybe we should salute it," Jesse suggests, and none of us question. We stand like queer soldiers then, backs not so straight, fingers to our foreheads, as we all salute the the rocks below us."

medi ah ocrity: i hope kurt and elliott are hanging out
medi ah ocrity: with my cat.

"And you remember the words she said
that cut you down 'til you're quiet and dead
'til all your thinking is how
you're always thinking about her little face.

the things you've come to know the most
like your future wife and future home
forever its maybes.
just maybes and maybes
just fables in picture books.

The robbers tales will rob us blind
they pull from the front, but stab from behind
and you won't see her there.
you won't see her anywhere new.
but you will feel her everywhere in you."

-The Lost Child Sound, "Fables In Picture Books"

I made another mix last night, just to try and capture my mood. Here goes.

Hotcha Girls- Ugly Casanova
Shadows Breaking Over My Head- the Left Banke
So Stark (You're A Skyscraper)- Pavement
See America Right- the Mountain Goats
Miss Misery- Elliott Smith
Why- Annie Lennox
Come Softly To Me- The Fleetwoods
Hypnotist- Flaming Lips
I Am The Cancer- Sloan
He Thinks He's in Love- Eleni Mandell
I Need You Around- The Smoking Popes
Shiny- The Decemberists
Hourglass- At The Drive In
Desert Song- Karate
Wise Up- Aimee Mann
I'm Waking Up To Us- Belle and Sebastian
Brave Men Run- Sonic Youth
Falling From Grace- The Gentle Waves
You Do Something To Me- Emm Gryner

oh, what the fuck ever. I'm dropping out of life.

i jumped in the river and what did I see?
black-eyed angels swimming with me
a moon full of stars and astral cars
all the figures i used to see
all my lovers were there with me
all my past and futures
and we all went to heaven in a little row boat

there was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt

Guilty by association? I swear this is the story of my life.

In a world where Elliott Smith kills himself but Fred Durst doesn't, what sort of hope do we have for the future anyways?

	

	

	

				
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How sexually compatible with me are you?
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I realized on the ride home tonight that I don't remember how it feels to anticipate a kiss, because I always know when they're coming. I'm always prepared. I think I've completely lost the ability to be surprised.

After this weekend, I want to get "Niagara Falls Was A Wake-up Call" tattooed somewhere on my body. How amazing it was wouldn't even fit into one tiny box, so I'm writing it all out novella style. No, I really am. It's awesome what one amazing weekend with a handful of amazing people can do for the state of your opinion on things.

As for pictures..

( it seems self indulgent, but.. )

in all the other pictures, everyone's naked. and dancing.

I had a dream that I was pregnant last night. And that I was somebody else.

( fess up, guys )